Back again! Heavy but positive

I haven't written in ages, obviously. I have now come to see, that I need writing as a tool to help me on my way to recovery. It somehow helps to jot down my thoughts, to make them appear black on white.

I have joined Overeaters Anonymous. Although I have been attending meetings for a month now, I have yet to begin implementing their rigorous meal plan in my daily life. I have been trying hard to battle my cravings and avoid bingeing, but I am still not ready to begin the OA meal plan. I was disappointed this morning when I weighed myself and saw that my weight has ballooned to 193 pounds. And this despite the fact that I thought I had been doing pretty well for the past month since joining OA! Often in the past, such a number on the scale might cause me to become depressed, discouraged, and to go on yet another binge. This time, I plan to do the exact opposite. I now recognize the fact that negative thinking will get me nowhere. Instead, I am going to work at being good to myself by eating healthy. I will not be negatively influenced by the high number on the scale. Instead, I will be happy about the fact that this will be last time I will see this number, and that my healthy habits will indeed help me attain a healthy weight and, hopefully, a healthy attitude towards food.

I did not lose any weight this week. In fact, I gained a pound. It is safe to say that this week has had its ups and downs. It's amazing how much of my dieting success is based solely on psychology.
I had been discussing the cabbage soup cleanse with some friends from my daughter's day care. I decided to do a 2-day cleanse. My diet was not immaculate, but I did eat very healthy during the weekend. On Monday morning, I woke up to see that I had put on 3 pounds overnight. I am not dumb, so I know that you don't put on weight overnight after eating healthy. Furthermore, I was feeling very bloated. The problem is, that I suffer from an unhealthy obsession with the scale. I therefore found the increased number on the scale to be discouraging, which resulted in my overeating all day long. This morning when I woke up, I had decided to buy ice cream, chocolate and twinkies after dropping my daughter off at the day care. In other words, I had accepted defeat, like I have so many times before. While at the day care, however, I told a friend about what had happened. She told me that she also got bloated from the cabbage soup cleanse, and that I should start over again. Although I know and understand all the facts, it was motivating to get a pep-talk from another person. In fact, it was absolutely necessary. I decided not to go on a binge after all, and I am now hoping to do well this week. I do wish that I did not have this frequent psychological barrier preventing me from succeeding. I don't know what to say or do about it. I will just continue trying to take things one day at a time.

I just posted my first weight loss numbers. Although the posting says that I lost 3 pounds in a week, it was more like a week and a half, since I've been lazy updating the info. I am really happy about my progress. I sometimes start to think that my weight loss is nothing but a drop in the ocean, since I still have another 45 pounds to lose. It is true that 45 pounds is a lot. Try lifting a 1-pound bag of flour (or sugar, which is more the case with me!), and feel how heavy it is. Then multiply that by 45, and you have the extra weight on my body! It is quite incredible to think about how much is in a pound. Nevertheless, I refuse to let negative thoughts control my actions. I recently read how a renowned bariatric doctor claims that "the key to weight loss is knowing your personality". I absolutely agree. One must know ones strengths and weaknesses. In my case, I have to take care not to let negative feelings overwhelm me. I can't lose this battle on the grounds that "it's too big of a struggle". I can't fall into self-hatred. Instead, I will take pride in every pound I lose. I will remember that each pound is the equivalent of a heavy bag of flour! I will also keep in mind, that losing weight consists of a series of small victories, that eventually culminate in one huge victory. That is simply how it works, and one must strive to achieve the little victories, one by one.
Another thing that I find helpful is to show myself some love. Under normal circumstances. showing myself love would mean eating a bag of peanut butter m&m's and some cookie dough ice cream. But that is cheap, worthless love! The real way to show yourself love is to take care of yourself. Exercise when possible, do your hair and make-up to feel and look beautiful, put on some body lotion after a hot bath.
I am not going to lose this battle. I will continue the struggle, one small victory at a time.

I am happy with how well I have been doing lately. I have a lot of motivation to go on with my weight loss efforts. I know I shouldn't, but I have been weighing myself every day. I tend to obsess about the scale. Most of my diets in the past failed when I stepped on the scale and saw that I had gained weight overnight. Since I deal with frustration by bingeing on sweets, my diet was always sabotaged. My head told me that I had not really gained weight, that I was just bloated. Still, I've never been able to deal with it. When I weighed myself yesterday morning, the scale showed a loss of 2 pounds - 186. Yesterday I ate healthy, but this morning the scale told me that I was back up to 188! I found this frustrating, of course, and for a moment it crossed my mind to go and binge on whatever I could find. Instead, however, I told myself that I was probably just bloated from sodium intake. Furthermore, I told myself that whether I've gained weight or not, overeating will never help me with the source of my problems, my weight.
I decided to go on another day, one day at a time.

Wow... here I go again. It's been over a year since I started this blog. Needless to say, the reason for my absence is complete and utter failure. I am now 16 pounds heavier than last time I checked in. At 188 pounds, I have set a goal to lose 50 pounds and reach my ideal weight of approximately 140 pounds. I have decided to do it differently this time. This time, I am not going to eat a big box of ice cream every time the scale shows a slight decrease in my weight. I am going to remember, that losing weight entails a life-style change. I will also remind myself that this change will most definitely help me reach my goals in the end, and every journey contains bumpy roads. Hopefully, this blog will replace overeating as an outlet for whatever difficulties I will face.

Conquering emotional eating...

Is that really something that can be done? Ever since I was a child, I have been an emotional eater. I don't even understand how certain lucky people don't think about food until their bellies begin to make noises. I could write an entire book about all my issues with food, although especially sweets. I could tell you how I can eat two whole quarts of frozen yogurt at once, how I have eaten half a cheesecake in one sitting, and how I have many, many time consumed as much as a pound of chocolate in a few hours. This blog, however, is not about kvetching. Enough is enough. It is true that I've tried every diet in the book (and not in the book, mind you). Sometimes, I've been successful. I was a chubby child and teenager. Several years ago I joined Weight Watchers and lost 50 pounds, going from 180 pounds to 130 pounds in 6 months. I kept the weight off for years. A few years ago, however, the number on the scale began rising, slowly but steadily. This was largely due to my increasingly unhealthy relationship with sweets.
It seems that it is not enough that I am the only one holding myself accountable for my eating and exercise. If I manage to acquire an online network of people in a similar situation, it might make it easier. Here is what I have decided to do:
-Eat right. Let's face, we all know what that means. There isn't any explanation needed.
-Exercise for 1 hour per day, 6 days per week, no matter what.
-Eat only when hungry. Never for emotional reasons.
-Weigh myself once per week, on Fridays.
-Try to hang in there, even when times are tough..

I currently weight 172 pounds (I am 5,5 inches tall). I have no illusions about becoming like a movie star or model, or even to necessarily be the same weight as when I was younger. My immediate goal is to lose 32 (extremely unwanted) pounds, and to reach 140 pounds. My goal at this point is simply to gain some sort of control of my life, my health and my happiness. I hope I have your support, and you will have mine as well.